Recently I got a phone call from one of my closest friends. We grew up together and sometimes she gives me updates on people that we went to school with. In this last phone conversation I found out that a young man that we grew up with and went to school with killed himself. It is always hard to hear about death, but for some reason, suicide hurts more in my heart. What would cause someone to feel so sad that they would kill themselves? Not only was it hard to hear that he had died, but he killed himself because his girlfriend had left him. It really gave me some food for thought.
I have certainly had my share of sorrow at the end of my past relationship. I'm still pretty angry and hurt. I think those are the two feelings that I am dealing with right now. I don't mean to be bitter, but I am. I know it will never be the same, but I am sad that I can't seem to allow myself to be friends with him. Slowly I am moving on and healing. I like to think that I have good days and I have bad days. Most days I'm too busy living my life, that I don't think about it, but learning about someone's death has put me in a reflective mode. I feel like I was hurt pretty badly, but killing myself just seems out of the question. I know my faith is helping me to move on. I guess I just realize that love makes you do crazy things. I mean, you can care about someone so much...it's just amazing how badly it can hurt.
Anyhow, I feel like I have dwelled on this enough. It probably wouldn't be on my mind, but my ex-boyfriend contacted me...I was doing well at moving on and his email just brought back all the feelings. It sucks. Not to mention that I have been super stressed lately because I bought my first new car, started teaching, and started my graduate classes. I'm just a little overwhelmed and the emotions have come out. I wrote this blog because I was moving on when I went to Alaska and I'm glad to say that I am being successful, I'm just not done yet. It is hard not knowing your future, when you thought you knew it once. Change is hard. I just have to believe it will all work out for the better for me, not for my ex, but for me. I will be better off! I guess I just have to keep telling myself that. Okay, that's enough of that...next entry will be about school.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Perspective on Change
Posted by Travelin' Tracy at 2:18 PM
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9 comments:
Chris Cortez is okay
A couple of Chris' friends have emailed me to ask about him. He and Melody rode out the storm at their house in Slidell which apparently didn't sustain too much damage.
I wonder if I had a blog like this if I could learn to run it as well as you :)
Oh, well, maybe someday.
Here's a site I found helpful:
irritable bowel syndrome symptoms
A....B....see ya,
Jimbo
Wow. This seems to go like clockwork, doesn't it? Just when you start the process of letting go and moving on and feeling better -- BOOM! -- They contact you and confuse you! What did you do? Did you write him back?
I'm sorry to hear about your old HS friend. I also had a friend (in my 20's) who killed himself after a breakup. I'm still conflicted over that. It's haunting.
I'm glad you're no where near that choice!
I don't know what to think about that first comment, so I would respond to it.
Momo-My ex just wrote to tell me some good things happening in his life, not to get back together or anything. I wasn't going to respond, but I did talk with him. It was a mistake. I wish I could just have more control. I ended up showing my bitterness and anger and he lacked patience with me...it's funny how we never fought and now that we are separated we can't even talk! Sad. Sometimes I feel like I'm back to square one, yet I know it is better.
Tracy, I am sure you will successfully move on. From your post you come across as a determine person, willing to go on with life.
How is it living in Alaska. I live in India and Alasks for me is picture postcard kind of a place. How does it feel to live in such a place?
Do write about school, I too teach but more grown up kids in college.
mridula- Thanks for the boost of confidence. Right now I just have to trust that what I don't know is the future. But there has to be more then sorrow in my future. I just hope I won't lose hope...ugh! Can you tell it is weighing on my mind right now?
I'm not living in Alaska anymore. I probably need to change the title. I was there for the summer, but I just got back to start a new year. Now I'm in Virginia. I do miss Alaska though. It was a happy time for me there.
Tracy,
It's been over 5 years since my ex hurt me, and there are days I still ache and want him to suffer. Though I'm happily involved with the love of my life now, and have been for 4 years, that feeling of betrayal and wasted time never goes away for me. I carry those negative feelings from my first love when I was 16, which was 16 years ago, and still get pangs of fury when I am near his town. The only thing that has helped me in the past is to start all over, redefine myself so that nothing of who I was with *him* is still there until I can better deal with it. I changed jobs, I changed my email address, I forced myself to move on, and eventually my heart followed.
This certainly isn't advice; it's just what I've done. I hope you find a way to make peace with your memories of that relationship because you seem very ready to move on. I wish you all the luck!
As for your blog title, I thought of your Alaskan adventures as more of a symbolic concept anyway. Your life has forever changed because of your trip to Alaska, and you are finding signs of Alaska around you and within you still. If you change the title, that's okay, but it was the beginning of the rest of your life, which I kind of like the idea of. :)
Please do not think about changing your title because of my glossing over the fact that you do not live there now. I am so fond of travelling that it is the first thing that caught my eye.
Librarian Extraordinaire- I really appreciate your thoughts on everything. Hopefully one day I will be able to forgive, so that I don't have to carry around the extra anger baggage, but it helped to know that you have difficult days too. I have already noticed how my thoughts have changed. I don't wish he was with me when I do something special. I just want to stop feeling hurt and be hopeful of finding another guy that is right for me. Anyhow, thanks.
And to Lib Ex. and Mridula - I will definitely keep the title. You have both made me feel sure that it needs to stay! It will be interesting to see how I can make the Alaskan part relate when I start talking about my upcoming trip to Boston or Mexico!
Tracy, when a loved one hurts us those feelings of betrayal and confusion never really go away. I lost my German Penpal last Spring, he won't talk to me at all now, and I am completely heartbroken over the situation. Moving on is never easy, but I wish you luck with making peace with the past.
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