I had a recent reminder of the exboyfriend yesterday. It made me angry and cry. You see, when we were dating he had talked about serving a mission for our church and I always knew that he would. In fact, that was important to me too and I had wanted to know when he got his mission call. But when he called me in August and told me that he was going on his mission it only brought back all the hurt feelings and how I missed him and I realized that I really just can't talk with him anymore...so I told him that I was ready to say goodbye for good, especially when I said, "remember how I once thought we would be friends for eternity, well, I'm ready to let that go and as much as I want to hear about your mission I know that won't let me heal." I told him how much he had hurt me, especially since we broken up and he has said how happy he is, which makes me feel like, "what, I didn't make you happy?" And I know that he doesn't mean it that way, but that is how I feel.
I just want to feel like I have moved on, but I'm still hurt, bitter, upset, and lonely. I am angry that I miss someone that doesn't expense their energy thinking about me. I used to tell him that if we ever broke up that it would be all or nothing and when we did break up I said, "it's all or nothing" and he told me that if he had to then he would chose nothing! So he doesn't deserve to have me in his life...that hurt a lot that he was really willing to said goodbye! He shouldn't have answered the question and refused to look at it that way if he really didn't want to pick. But he didn't, he picked NOTHING! So what was he thinking?
When we had that last talk on the phone and I said, no more, I need to push him out of my life completely I asked him to send back some pictures that he had of me when I was a child. So he sent some of them back, about a month later...he said that they got sent back to him in the mail (now I'm thinking he just made that up so that he would get me to think about him...you see he knows me well enough that he knows I hate to be mad at someone and he knows that I care about him and want to be friends) then yesterday I got another package in the mail. What was he thinking? He sent me some other pictures, and a little note. Why didn't he send them all at once? And here's the thing...he was in the missionary training center, not at his home. So he had obviously packed these in his suitcase knowing that he was going to send them to me at a later time.
The note said something like this...
I'm really enjoying the MTC and feel like I'm growing a lot. I just want to thank you for being a missionary and sharing the gospel with me. I am so thankful for your example. I leave the MTC in two days to go to Canada for my mission! IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE WRITING HERE'S MY MISSION ADDRESS
(the address)
Elder exboyfriend
I think he brought those pictures with him because he wanted me to write him. He really wants me to still be in his life, as a friend of course...but still, why didn't he respect my wishes? It made me cry because I'm fighting two sides. The one half of me that wants to write him, because I do care about him and want to hear about his mission. And the other that knows that if I write him I will just prolong getting over him...he's not coming back to me. So I'm really frustrated and confused. I kept my pictures of my childhood, and threw the note away. I don't want the address. I just want it all to get out of my mind! It is so frustrating and all the thoughts have come back into my mind. I wish I could move on and be happy...and find someone even better then him.
And to makes things suck even more I was kicked when playing soccer on Wednesday night. The guy on the other team kicked me and knocked me over and I rolled my ankle. I went to the ER because I thought my ankle was broken...no just a sprain. But I have to use crutches, which I have never had to do before and it really irks! I am forced to slow my life down. Is this a sign from God? I couldn't even go dancing with my friends tonight and that means no bike ride tomorrow. I just want to exercise, I need the release! Maybe I will do some meditation and try to clear my mind. I think that is exactly what I need.
Friday, November 04, 2005
What was he thinking?
Posted by Travelin' Tracy at 4:30 PM
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5 comments:
Oh, you poor thing! I agree with you, cutting all ties is good. You don't need his friendship. He took the photos because he wanted to keep the door open a little. Regardless of what they say, I believe all guys want to know that an ex is pining for them somewhere. And that if things don't work out with someone else, they have someone to go back to who will always have them. Plus, I'll bet he's lonely, and he thinks this mission will win points with you so you'll hang on, if just for a bit.
That he chose "nothing" really shouldn't have too much weight. Men say the worst things at the worst possible times, no matter how sensitive and invested they are in the situation. My boyfriend loves me, that I know, but he says things that just make me stop cold and wonder where his brain is.
I think he's going to hurt you again if you don't close the door completely. Maybe not tomorrow, but he will, because he's proven he's more than capable. You know you deserve better. It sure stinks being alone, but alone is better than being with someone who is bad for you.
Hang in there! You can do it! You're beautiful and intelligent and so fun and sweet. Plus you make the world's best brownies! It's just a matter of time before the word spreads and you have good men calling all day and night. :)
LE-Thanks for the positive words. I know I was doing the right thing when I threw that letter away. It will only kill him more to not get anything from me. It was his own dumb move to leave me, because he knows I'm great. Even if he found someone else that is great too, it still doesn't matter, because we had a history and he let that go...too bad.
And I know there are guys out there that are interested. They come around often, but I haven't felt anything for most of them. I really do feel like I am a catch, so at least I have that bit of a confidence booster.
Last night I went to a goodbye party for a friend. While there I was talking with a guy that I'm interested in getting to know more...and I saw a really funny side to him. He went up a notch in my eyes. So who knows maybe I will try going after him. I might just have to bake some brownies and make a special delivery!
I'm glad you threw the address away, so you wouldn't use it sometime in the future if you have a moment of weakness.
I think this is the hardest part - being in that transitional period where you are working toward healing and getting over someone, and still wishing and hoping for a new somebody who will be that much better.
I do think things will come together. You deserve a great guy who will be as caring with your heart as you will be with theirs. He's out there, and I hope he shows up sooner than later!
(And yeah, good brownies PLUS that whole banana boat idea that I still have to buy the ingredients for and try out! ... You will definitely keep your future honey happy with good treats!)
Momo- thanks for the support. I don't think I will be writing him any time soon. And I know things will work out. I was reading back in some of my notes for a recent conference I attended and I wrote something profound. God has a far greater plan for my life then I could ever map out for myself! Maybe I should repeat that three times each day!
I also need to repeat that - maybe a thousand times a day! - ha! I've made some recent goofs in life that I need to stop beating myself up over. I need to get over being hard on myself and trust that there is a plan in action! Things will turn out well - and just as they are supposed to! :)
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